Welcome to AGONY AUNT, the column in which I sort out a central, or peripheral, life problem for some poor bastard out there – if you have a dilemma or heart/soul/mind conundrum you would like to share with me, and thereby the viewership of the site, please write in and I’ll be happy to put on my ‘see you jimmy’ thinking cap on your behalf. Anonymity can be yours!

You have made a good start by dimly perceiving that there are indeed many points of nuance to the answer ‘aye’ in Scotland to the question of whether or not he/she takes a drink. For a start ‘aye’ can mean ‘no’, as in ‘well, he WILL take a drink, but not a meaningful one in our sense of it’. It can also mean yes he will take A drink, but no more, which is the same as ‘no’. ‘Aye’ can also mean, yes he will take a drink – in fact he’ll take a lot of drinks, then he’ll go completely wally and we’ll all live to regret it as he can become an exceptionally violent person  but (1) in a useless embarrassing haphazard flailing around, although still dangerous, way (2) in a truly frightening way as he has exceptional martial arts style fighting skills but none of the noble attributes of temperament which one has the right to assume are resolutely allied to such ability.

Or it can mean ‘aye’ as in he’s totally one of us, in fact to a magical extent – this guy can drink as much as, if not more than any of us, and although clearly out of the game, can be out of it in a hugely appealing funny and even insightful way which I can assure you, barring the unforeseen, you  will really enjoy – let’s get started.

Or it can mean ‘aye’ he takes a drink – in fact he can knock back an entire litre bottle of Bells whisky, but he will remain totally calm clear and collected to a disturbing degree, and when you yourself have one of those strange clear spells that sometimes occur when you’re out of your head – the ones that last about four minutes and then you return to the whirlpool, you may wonder where he’s actually gone. If you’re able to stand up, you may well find that he’s leaning coolly against the sink in the kitchen, talking to your wife in a sincere low tone, and your wife is replying in a voice that you have not heard since you were courting twenty five years ago in the sand dunes at Arbroath– a voice you had forgotten she even owned – you won’t enjoy this at all, and will ask yourself, even in your demolished state, can YOU take a drink?  

   Let me know if you are able to place yourself reliably within any of these scenarios – it’s often hard to tell, because what YOU think is going on (when drinking), can be at wild variance with the majority opinion in the room. The main thing to remember is that when folk talk in this ‘does he/she take a drink?’ way they are indulging in the most shallow of participation mystiques, and, when you are back home, vacuuming your car mats, they will still be slowly turning about in their kitchen, unable to remember who they liked and didn’t like in their last class at school.

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